DDD Day

I ventured out of my comfort zone today and took the bus downtown.  I got a Nordstrom gift card for Christmas and needed some alone time with myself.  And with exception of a weirdo who beat on the side of the bus as we were coming to a stop, the trip was pretty uneventful.

Thank goodness.

The big news of the day (hee..."big") came when I got a free bra fitting.

Disclaimer - my faithful readers know that there is no such thing as TMI to me.  We've covered my boob scare in 2006, my abnormal cervix in 2009, my extra 25 pounds in Well Past Voluptuous and my skin tags in 2010.  My body, and it's oddities, do not embarrass me.  Maybe they should, but it takes a bit more.  If you prefer to not know so much about me, stopping reading this post right now.

Still here?  I warned you.

I had planned to buy a gray V-neck cashmere sweater from Nordy's.  Except they didn't have it in a Large.  Extra large?  Yes.  Medium?  Yes.  But no Large.  And when you're buying a cashmere sweater, you do not "make do" with the wrong size. 

So, I wandered around looking for something else to buy.  Lo and behold, I found myself in the lingerie section, of course, and I remembered that I wanted to buy new bras because mine are all many years old and the underwires squeak, which is quite embarrassing.

I've been fitted a few times in the past but it's been five or six years.  It's a free service at the fancy stores, as long as you actually buy bras there.  It's always very enlightening.  The least little bit of weight you lose or gain will affect your bra size. 

As soon as I told the nice British lady that I'd gained 30 pounds in the past few years, she cut me off and said "Let's go."

We went into a dressing room, where I took off my shirt and she measured around my ribs.  I am a 36.  Not too shabby.  Then she went to retrieve some 36 fitting bras.  She came back with two different ones and said "Look at these things!  They're engineered like a bridge!"  There's side panels and extra panels underneath.  It's truly amazing.

She put me in the first one and had me bend over and "work the girls" in the bra so they were comfy.  I looked in the mirror and was impressed.  My boobs actually looked smaller and more compact.  But still nicely shaped.  The wires were well to the sides ("They should be OUTSIDE of your breast tissue - not cutting into it - so that you are supported.") and the shoulder straps were thick and padded so they stayed up on my shoulders (I have slopey shoulders).  It was a three hook in the back, so the band was wide enough that it wouldn't bend and roll when I sat down, and no fat bubbled up and over or out the sides.  Sold!

I asked her was size cup this was.

DDD.

Swear to gawd.

Triple D.

Not D.  Not double D.  TRIPLE DDD.

I've been wearing B (very old) and C (newer) bras for five years.  Holy geez.  Have I gained that much weight?!  The very kind woman said that I just had very heavy breast tissue so it needed more of a support system.  Better "engineering", I suppose.  Panels and pulley systems and hydraulic pistons.  Hey!  I'm not fat, I'm just high maintenance.

I ended up buying one (very expensive) bra and think maybe I'll just go to Target or Fred Meyer to get a few cheaper ones in an accurate size.  But I have to stay, I felt beautiful walking around .

When I got home, asked Todd if he still loved his fat, high maintenance wife.  He correctly replied yes.  And now he now says "Raechelle!  In 3D!  I don't even need special glasses!"

It's a good thing he's cute.

I think this has been the foot in my ass I need to lose weight.  I do not like being a DDD.  I am 5'2".  That's just.....wrong.

Those are a C cup, at most....

Reason #6 Why I Love Todd

He pumps my gas for me.

(That is not a euphemism for anything either, Mr. Dirty Mind.)

And not just when I need to get gas and he’s in the car and I whine enough until he says “Oh, I’ll pump for you.”  No, no. 

He will take my car to go get the gas and then bring my car back.  He loves me that much. 

He also knows that I will run that thing down to empty before I stop for gas.  I know when my gas light comes on, I have about 50 miles left (the car salesman told me that) and unfortunately, I even have a little “How many miles are left on this tank?” gauge. 

I’ve run it down to 25.  At that point, it just starts blinking at you, begging you stop somewhere.  Anywhere.  I don’t know why I hate stopping so much.

This bad habit of mine did cause a bit of a scare when we had Arctic Blast 2010 in November.  I sat on the freeway for almost two hours with my heat blaring, watching my gas needle drop.  Using my wisdom and intelligence, I concluded that if I turned off the butt warmers and the heat, I would save gas.  But then Todd called to check on me and I told him I was freezing because of this brilliant logic and he said “Um.  The alternator runs your heat.  Not gasoline.  If you’re engine is running, you’re using gas.  Heat or no heat.”

Well, okay fine!

I turned the butt warmers and heater back on and was nice and toasty on my long drive home.

Our forecast has a “slight chance” of snow for Wednesday.  You know what that means.  Arctic Blast 2010, The Sequel.  I’m not working on Wednesday (thank gawd) but, in any event, Todd took my car to the grocery store yesterday and gassed it up.

Thanks, baby.

Merry Christmas!

Unlike last year, we Downings had a very merry Christmas.  We've discovered the perfect recipe - stay home.  Let everyone disperse as they wish.  Sleep for three hours in the afternoon.

Perfection.

We were awakened at 7am, as usual.  Within the hour, we'd unwrapped all the presents, Tyler had gone downstairs to install his new game, and Todd and I had gone through two cups of coffee. 

My mother tickled me pink with my new apron.

"Will Cook For Shoes"

Speaking of pink, notice the new pink slippers from Todd.  He didn't even coordinate with her!  I'm just officially a lover of pink now.

Todd got a kick out of the boxers that mom and dad sent him.

We love the hillbillies.  Mom also sent a box of Teays gravy, some roadkill rub (yes, I'm serious) and gingerbread cake mix that you cook in pretty white teacups.

I told her, don't give me any shit for gaining weight.

The kids enjoyed their Walking Dead comic books, video camera, electric shavers (for both of them....our babies are growing up!) and Starbucks gift cards, along with other odds and ends.

The cats could care less about presents and wrapping paper.  They were wrestling for a good two hours straight.

And Todd bought me a new lap desk for my laptop.  Because I had been using the one that a family friend made me when I was....10?

Those splotches you see?  Nail polish.  This is what I've used to paint my nails for 20 years.  It started hemorrhaging stuffing a few months ago, so I've got tape on three different places.  It was actually comical - I'd get up from the bed or the couch after being on my laptop and there would be a pile of stuffing.

After presents, Todd made yet another batch of banana bread, we got cleaned up, then Todd made brunch as Grandma Kit was arriving at 11am.

Grandma Kit knitted me (and Kayleigh, see photo above) fingerless gloves.  I LOVE THEM.

My hands get really cold at work, but I can't wear gloves because I can't type with them.  So these are perfect!  And I look so hip.

Grandma Kit bought Kayleigh "Clue" which I'd never played (gasp...I know, I know) so we played a round.  I'm not sold on it just yet.  Maybe I was just too tired to keep up.

And then it was 2pm, so Grandma Kit packed up and left and Todd and I passed out for a few hours.  I feel much better now.

The kids are still in their rooms entertaining themselves.  Todd and I are watching the Dead Can Dance (a band) video I bought him.  He is, in his words, losing his shit.  I think I did good.

Now I think I need a bite of food and a glass of wine to begin round two of Christmas.

Love to all.

Duct Tape Really Does Work

It's a sad day.
My vacuum is sick.

When you push the vacuum forward, everything's dandy.  But when you pull it backward, the wand separates from the carpet head just ever so slightly, so the electrical connection breaks and the power to the brush in the carpet head is broken and while there's still suction, the roller brush does not turn and the light goes out.

It makes me weep.

I need to take it in to be serviced - they said it just needs a new electrical thingybob - but guess what?  If you duct tape the wand to the carpet head, it doesn't separate when you pull backward.

Huh.

But now my poor vacuum looks trashy.  I'll take in after the first of the year.  I mean it.

Christmas Outing

Today, Rae-rae broke out of her comfort zone.

Grandma Kit had invited Kayleigh and a friend to go downtown and look at all kinds of Christmasy stuff.  Kayleigh invited her three friends, but none of them could make it.  She came to us last night, tears in her eyes, saying "No one can go!  I don't want to go by myself!"

I understood.  I used to spend two or three weeks each summer at Granny and Paul's.  The times when I was forced to interact solely with them was painful.  Thirteen year olds don't know what to talk about with their Grandmas.

So I was a good mom and offered to come along.  I've always wanted to go downtown at Christmas time, but my anxiety didn't think that would be fun at all.  But since Kit was driving this outing, I thought this would be the best way to go about it.

Kit picked us up at 12:30, and we headed to Seattle Center to see WinterFest.  When we first arrived we saw the Hot Dog jump roping troupe.

Very....um....interesting.

Then we found the train and the winter village.  It was like mom's winter village on steroids.

From Seattle Center, we took the infamous Monorail (which was actually working!) to Westlake Center.

Kayleigh did not approve of my documentation.

We first visited The Olympic Fairmont Hotel for their incredible Christmas trees....

Live tree.  HUGE.

And the Teddy Bear Suite.  The Teddy Bear Suite was in one of the suites at the hotel.

"Designed by Kevin Bradford, a Seattle-based interior and event designer and brimming with dozens of fluffy teddy bears. The Teddy Bear Suite welcomes thousands of visitors throughout the holiday season. Take holiday photographs, read one of the teddy bear-themed children's books and enter to win tea in The Georgian. Donations taken at the Teddy Bear Suite benefit uncompensated care at Seattle Children’s Hospital."

Kayleigh wouldn't pose with me.

After the Fairmont Hotel, we walked to the Sheraton to see the Gingerbread Village.

Who wants SUGAR?!

And after the gingerbread houses, we popped into Westlake Village for some coffee and a munchie.  And we past these gentleman singing a capella.

They were wonderful.

After grabbing some coffee, we were pooped and it was time to hop back on the monorail and get home.  But poor Kayleigh.  As soon as we got home, she and Todd walked down to the Junction for some last minute shopping.  I took the opportunity to finally wrap Todd's presents, which turned into cleaning up and organizing the Christmas wrapping bins, which turned into cleaning up and organizing the DVDs that were laying all over and then the corner by the couch where Todd's papers, games and pillows all seem to accumulate.

I settled down when the pizza arrived, but then finished up the Christmas cards and started a spreadsheet of Christmas card recipients.  It's time the husband and I combined our lists and I was feeling discombobulated.

Now here we are, two glasses of French wine later and it's quiet in the house and the tree is lit and my man and my cat are laying next to me.

Day two of Christmas vacation is a success.

Happy Solstice

So, I seem to be down to blogging on Tuesdays.  That’s not good at all.  But it’s That Time Of Year, when there aren’t enough hours in the day, at work and at home, and I have to prioritize and unfortunately, sleep comes before most anything.

I apologize.

Today is the winter solstice.  The shortest, darkest day of the year. 

Thank gawd.

Because while I love the winters here, the darkness just makes me sleepy.  No matter how much Prozac I take.  It is good cuddling weather, though.  I do love that.

We had a wonderful weekend.  Todd and I went to our one and only Christmas party of the season at Jenn and Scott’s down in Tacoma.

Have I told you about my new best friend ever, Jenn?

I googled Sanctuary weddings back in the summer of 2009 to see how other people who got married there set up the tables and where they put the cake table and stuff.  Our caterer told me I could not fit 12 tables of 8 on the carpeted area, but I was convinced I could.  I found Jenn’s wedding website, with notes about the Sanctuary.  She and Scott had been married there the same weekend in November of 2008.  So I emailed her, starting with “I’m so sorry to bother you, but…..”

She immediately emailed back with numerous paragraphs and photos.  Thus began a blossoming friendship.  And I compromised and did 8 tables of 8 and 4 tables of 10.

We emailed each other right up to the wedding date, and then I emailed her on the 8^th and wished her a happy anniversary.  They came to our tiki party in August, and surprised the absolute shit out me, so we returned the gesture and headed down to their Christmas party on Saturday.

They are such phenomenal people.  I love them both.  And I think Todd is sick of hearing me say that.  We’ve made a tentative plan to have them up soon for dinner and to share wedding videos.

While the men sit outside and talk about manly stuff, I’m sure.

Anywho, their party was lovely and their house is beautiful and their friends are wonderful and the wine was excellent.  They have a calico kitty named Frankie that absorbed all of my attention when she finally decided to join the party….after most everyone had left. 

I kept telling Todd, “But I don’t WANT to leave.  I want to live HERE!”

I can’t believe I’ve found such a good man who will tolerate me like he does.

On Sunday, Todd made banana bread while we watched the sucky football game and did laundry.  A very domestic day.

And that evening, we headed over to Doug and Ann’s to decorate gingerbread houses.  Because that’s what you do during the Christmas season.  Well, Todd, Kayleigh and Tyler decorated houses.  I drank pink champagne and cut bread and ate cookies.

Thankfully, it was an early night, so we were all tucked away by 10:00pm.

I’m only working two days this week (WOO-FREAKIN-HOO) and both days I’m down in Shipping and Receiving in the afternoons helping to send out employee Fed Ex packages.  Because I’m helper.  It’s actually pretty fun.  I get to be social and meet a bunch of people I’ve never met face to face.  And the afternoon just flies by. 

So!  Countdown to vacation!  And sleeping in!!

Random Updates and Thoughts and Crap

From the “When It Rains It Pours…” column:

It seems that trying to get our finances in order to build a second story on top of our house is not nearly stressful enough. Because now our cottage has a leak.

Maybe it felt left out.

It’s probably had a leak for years, hence the blue painting tape that is “suturing” the “boil” in the ceiling in the storage room.

But with all the snow and now rain we’ve been having, we’ve found water. So, Todd and I moved the most expensive stuff (keyboards, costumes, wedding dress) out of that room and put down a bucket for the water to drip into. Luckily, the room is severely slanted, any random water is just going to run to the edge of the room, which is now cleared, and away from all the other junk.

Look at me, finding the silver lining…

Our next step is a tarp over the roof (you can take the girl out of the country…) and maybe lancing the boil of water in the ceiling.

While wearing a hazmat suit, of course.

**********

Dear Santa,
One hundred thousand dollars. That’s all I’m asking for this year. Forget the dance shoes, forget the boots, forget the bubble bath.

Mama needs cold, hard cash to fix her roof and build her master suite. Or mama is going to freakin’ lose it.

Lovums,
Rae-rae

PS If you’ve already bought the boots, it’s okay. I’ll live.

**********

I’m dragging this holiday season. The tree is up. The lit garland on the archway is up. And we just left the lights on the house from last year, so that’s done. Except, two strings are burnt out.

You would think it would drive me nuts, right?

You are correct. It looks trashy.

So then why I haven’t I done anything about it yet? Or at least badgered Todd to do something about it?

Because I think I’ve hit that age where it’s just all a pain in the ass. That tree took enough effort. We bought pretty little lights to line the sidewalk, too. They’re still in a box by the front door.

What am I waiting on?

And should I up the dosage on my pills?

**********

I volunteered to help at Todd’s final show of “It’s a Wonderful Life” Sunday afternoon. I was just going to help with strike (breaking down the set and storing everything afterward) but since I was comped a ticket to the show, I ended up working concessions and just doing anything anyone asked me to do. Afterwards, was the cast party with pizza and adult beverages.

And it was a ton of fun.

I told Todd, I need to do that more often, especially if he’s in or directing the show. The people are awesome and funny as hell. It’s three hours of laughing your ass off. How is that a bad thing?

*********

Also, this weekend, Todd and I shopped til we dropped on Saturday.

But first, I was awakened at 4am by heartburn that I thought was going to kill me (and yes, the words “heart attack” crossed my mind). I blame the rich food and oodles of wine from our dinner at the Bohemian with Nancy and Bob on Friday. Or maybe it was an omen, as the Bohemian shut it’s door very abruptly on Monday. Huh.

Anyway, I was up at 4, pleading for a quick death, so I moved to the leather couch because 1) I didn’t want to wake Todd with my pleading 2) it was cooler than the bed and I was burning up and 3) I needed Tom cuddles to make it all better.

I dozed off and on until 8am, when Todd woke up. And I figured since I was up so early, we might as well get out and about before everyone else.

We finally got back home around 3pm. Just in time for Todd to rest up before his Saturday night show, and for me to get into my jammies and prepare for the onslaught of teenagers. Only two extra ones this weekend, but still enough to make me use my mom voice and threaten to send everyone to their room if they didn’t stop saying “slap the monkey”.

**********
Speaking of the fluffy animals, funny story.

Elvis isn’t much of a cuddlier, but he gets in his moods early in the morning. Usually, he lays on Kayleigh while she’s waiting around until it’s time to walk to the bus, or on Todd before anyone else gets up. He purrs so very loud and even drools. It’s just adorable. Until he decides he’s had enough and bites you.

Anyway, they were both sleeping on the back of the loveseat, at the front window, when I got onto the couch. Tom lifted his head for a minute, but then laid back down. Elvis, however, got up slowly, nonchalantly, and stretched, then walked over and just plopped down on my chest and started purring.

After a few minutes, Tom got up and walked over sat on the floor beside the couch, looking up to see if there was any room for him. Elvis just kept purring.

Well, Tom didn’t like the looks of this at all. He sauntered off into the kitchen and I closed my eyes again. Then I heard him batting around a piece of food on the hardwood floor. Of course, Elvis’ ears perk up and he’s all interested in what’s going on there. A few seconds later, Elvis jumped down and ran into the kitchen.

I don’t think Elvis even made it all the way before Tom came running in, jumped up on my chest, and just sprawled from my neck to my belly.

Sneaky little booger….

**********

And speaking of Tom, I told Todd that I bet if I got a baby sling and put Tom in there, he’d be just as happy as a clam and let me carry him around all day.

Todd replied, “That would officially make you a crazy cat lady. I’m just sayin….”

Confessions of an Addict

Me: Denise brought these little cookies covered in Belgium chocolate to work today. A whole tin of them!

TD: And how many did you have?

Me: Um....well….maybe....about....seven?

TD: (look of horror) SEVEN?

Me: But they were tiny little cookies! Shortbread! And really thin and it was really only like three because they were so SMALL!

TD: SEVEN.

Me: Don’t judge me.

TD: Seven cookies.

Me: You suck.

TD: Do we have cookies? I kinda want a cookie now.

Please Help - Do You Know These Doggies?



From West Seattle Blog


Such a sad story.

These poor dogs have been running loose in West Seattle for, what may be, a week now.  They're following the same route, down by Alki Beach, up to California Avenue.  People have tried coax them into cars and get them out of the road, but they're skittish and appear to be headed for a destination.

The West Seattle Blog has posted this story, to see if anyone knows these dogs, but no one has come forward yet.  I can't believe no one lives next door to these guys, or is friends with the owner.  Someone must know where they live.  They just look so lost and pitiful.  Rumor has it the gray and white one is huge.

To my Seattle readers - can you help?  Maybe there are people in the area who are friends with the owners?  Maybe some different neighborhood bloggers could post the picture of the dogs on their blogs and ask for help?

I don't want to be a drama queen, but I have to wonder if the owner is okay.......

Weekend Update

The weekend, of course, started off with pizza. But there was no movie tonight! No, no. It was opening night of Todd’s radio play of It's A Wonderful Life, so we had a Friday night field trip. We met Steve, Stephanie and Isabella there, and watched my man play the part of Joseph, the superintendent of the angels. He’s the one who sent Clarence down to help George Bailey.

It was quite a sight. The cast was dressed in 1940’s garb, and Todd was completely clean shaven with a little drawn in pencil mustache.

I miss the beard….

Anywho, after the play we all went home, but Todd and I headed back out to join the cast and crew at Elliott Bay for some post opening night celebrating.

Saturday morning was a relative early morning for me (9am) so that we could get a jump start on Christmas errands – Fred Meyer, Payless Shoes, The Dancing Shoe and Rite Aid.

And I don’t know if I didn’t eat enough beforehand, or if my nerves were particularly frayed that day, but after getting completely stressed out at Fred Meyer, I ended having a brief shit fit at Rite Aid because there were just too many people and they were all in my way and I am NOT WAITING IN THAT LINE TO BUY A STRING OF LIGHTS AND GARLAND!

Todd sent me to the car while he paid.
Which was just fine.

And then we went straight home.

Todd needed to rest up for his Saturday night performance and I needed to curl up on the bed and be alone. ThorNton Creek was playing in Fremont, and I had every intention of going since it was a 6pm show, but after weighing the decision of leaving the house for about an hour, I decided to stay in. Kayleigh was at Lydia’s until 9ish, Tyler was staying the night with Gavin and Michelle, and Todd was at his play.

So I made a brief run to the store (which just reiterated my need to stay away from any and all people)  for supplies (brie, wine, ice cream) and had a lovely evening by myself, eating cheese, drinking wine and wrapping Christmas presents while watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

It’s so cheesy, and so predictable, but I love this movie. Always good for a laugh.

When Todd got home, we watched the first episode of Dexter Season 4, then we went to bed. Cause we were exhausted.

Sunday started with banana walnut pancakes and bacon.

I love my husband SO MUCH.

Todd had a performance at 3pm, so he was going to be gone most all afternoon, and I had it all laid out in my head what I needed to do that day - take Kayleigh shopping for some teenager supplies, take Tyler shopping for a new stocking and hat (after Saturday, it seemed to be best if I took the kids in two different trips), then stop by Trixie’s holiday open house sometime between 1 and 4. Then figure out something to make for dinner.

But Tyler spending the night with Gavin and Michelle the night before put a snafu in that plan. I needed to pick him up from the ferry. Which ferry? Didn’t know yet. What time? Don’t know, they’re going to call.

So I got myself together and ready and waited to hear what I was supposed to do.

I could never work a job where I had to be on-call. I can’t plan being on-call.

I finally got word that Tyler would be arriving on the 1:40pm ferry, downtown. Well okay fine. We have a plan. But now, do I take Kayleigh with me to pick up Tyler, then bring Tyler home and take Kayleigh shopping? Or do I leave Kayleigh, pick up Tyler, take Tyler shopping, bring him home and get Kayleigh?

Do I really want to try taking them both? At the same time?

Seeing as how it was already 1:15pm, I opted to suck it up and take both kids. At the same time.

Kayleigh and I picked up Tyler at the downtown ferry dock (and thank goodness I took her – she jumped out of the car and went to physically retrieve Tyler), then the three of us headed to Target.

And it wasn’t too bad. We got some Christmas presents and teenager supplies taken care of, then even went one step further and popped into Barnes & Noble to look for a few more things.

We were home at 3:30pm, so I made a grocery list (Kayleigh decided on baked spaghetti for dinner) and started out to the store. But then, I thought, Trixie’s holiday open house is still going on for another 30 minutes! And it’s just right down the street from Safeway! I could just pop in for a minute to show my loyalty!

And I did. And it was lovely. Most people were leaving at that time, so I got some nice one on one conversation with her and even had a small glass (or two) of wine. At 5pm, I decided I really did need to get to the grocery store and get home to make dinner. Trixie sent me home with lots of leftovers – cake, cookies, wraps, wine. I told her I needed to come by more often.

So, on to the store for dinner fixins and then home to actually fix the dinner, with Kayleigh’s help. Until she got frustrated because she felt like she couldn't do anything right. Which I totally understand and I told her that’s why I don’t cook more often.

We watched Date Night, with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell while we ate. I probably wasn’t supposed to like it because it was very silly, but I laughed my ass off. I love Tina Fey.

And suddenly, it’s bedtime.

Thank goodness.

Despite having a bit more energy with my new pills, I still love bedtime. Curling up in a big bed, snuggling up with Todd and/or Tom. Just chatting and not thinking about laundry or what to make for dinner or what bills I need to pay. That is my official off time. If I’m in that bed, I am Off Duty.

Which is why I like to sleep until 11am.

Dear Santa

Santa, baby....

How are you doing this Christmas season?  I hope Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all ready for the holiday.

I apologize for not sending in my list for the past 30 years, but I've been a bit busy and have really only been asking friends and family for very practical things these days (vacuum cleaners, socks, bubble bath, gift cards). 

But this year, Santa, I have a very special request.

These shoes.  Size 7.  Medium.

I know what you're thinking, Santa.  These aren't hawt boots or heels that I usually drool over.  But I need them to salsa dance.  Right now I'm dancing in my sock feet on carpet and it's really quite painful.  And since salsa dancing is the only exercise I'm getting right now, I'd like to be able to enjoy it without my feet hurting.

And look at the pretty rhinestones!

I know you get many letters, and there are more important Christmas wishes out there, but I just wanted to touch base and give it a shot.

Have a wonderful holiday.

Love always,

Raechelle (aka Binky)

Almost All of My Neurotic Quirks in One Handy Post!

December is officially NOT flip flop season. Right?
I don’t care if it is an unseasonably warm day.

I should write a policy.

**********

My hair is getting better, but it still ain’t great. I have too much bulk on my left side and it’s too choppy on the right side and my bangs do not like being bangs. They’re trying to slide over to the side, which makes them all wonky and not at all balanced.

*********

There’s a new group in our cube farm. They are very serious, zen-like people. There’s a lot of bamboo and buddahs in their cubes. Very calming

However, there’s even a tinkling water feature.

And that’s going to get old really quick. Makes me have to pee.

**********

I was a very happy, awake person during Arctic Blast 2010 and the Thanksgiving holiday. Now I’m waking up at 6:30 (oh, okay, 7am) and I’m just tired, and all I can think about is going back to bed.

I thought the old pretty pink pills (actually, they were white) were the problem, as did my doctors. I took them at night because they were a sedative. Anti-anxiety and all. But they were too much of a sedative. I was sleepy all the time.

Now I have new pills (orange and gray capsules, not as pretty) that are stimulants, so I take them in the morning. Todd says he’s noticed a major improvement lately.

Except for this week.

I’m starting to think the pills don’t really have anything to do with my sleepiness. I just think I was not configured to wake up before 8am. Period.

**********

Speaking of anti-anxiety medication, a stronger dose might be in order as I had a complete freak out in kickboxing class a few weeks ago. And I haven’t been back.

I have little panic attacks in certain situations – most often in crowds. I say I don’t like crowds, but that is a total understatement. I wig out in crowds. My hands ball up into fists and started jerking in front of me, and I start sweating and breathing hard, and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. Todd is a godsend. He’s so big, he can just stand in front of me and hold me and shield me. It helps immediately.

This is why I don’t go to festivals or parades anymore.

I’ve also been known to wig out in restaurants. If we’re being seated, and the hostess takes us to a table in the middle of the room, the hands ball up into fists and I start looking around wildly and twitching, and Todd will have to say (gawd bless him), “No, we need a table against a wall, please.”

I’ve freaked out in stores before, as well. Too many people, I can't get away from them, I can’t get to a wall to get away from everything that's touching me.

The medication has actually helped, I think. I haven’t had a problem in a while. Until kickboxing class, when Lisa had us sparring. I don’t spar. I don’t know how to spar, I don’t like to spar, I am completely opposed to doing anything of the sort. So when Lisa had us line up in front of each other, the panic started. When she told us what we were going to do, the fists went nuts, I started sweating, I started backing up and shaking my head.

Way to be subtle, there Rae-rae.

I went through with it, but it was even less than a half hearted attempt - a little punch here, a weak kick there - and I couldn’t even look at the person across from me. Even though every one of them told me what a great job I was doing. When we were done, I turned to get my water and cried.

Quietly.

Lisa hugged me and asked what the fear was. I don’t think there’s fear. Or at least, that’s not how I interpreted the feeling. It’s just a simple I Don’t Wanna. I know nothing bad will happen (I think), but I still don’t wanna. I want to curl up in a ball and shut my eyes and just breathe.

Is it an aggression thing?  It is because I was bullied in school?  Is it the same reason I despise boxing and war movies?

I’m still debating on if I want to go back. I like the aerobic aspect of the class, but I despise the martial arts aspect. And since it is a kickboxing class, it’s really not something I can escape.

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And speaking of sleepiness (remember that?  Before the kickboxing freak out?), it’s even harder to get up in the morning when Tom comes in a snuggles with me. He’ll put his little paw on top of my hand or my arm or my head. I love the pads of his paws. They’re a little “deflated” because of the burns from when he lived in a chicken coop, but they’re soft and he lets me rub them and play with them. I cannot resist the paws!

WANT TO KISS IT.
Elvis hates it when I kiss it.

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The pads of the paws are right up there with the satin edge of my blankets and the tops of Todd's feet (and you know how I hate feet).  It's a tactile thing.  It soothes me.  I do it mindlessly and almost compulsively. 

If one of my satin edge blankets is laying on the floor, I'll purposefully walk across it just to feel the satin.  I have one on my bed and I sleep with the satin part wrapped around my fingers.  When Todd is sitting near me, and we're barefoot, I'll just put my foot on top of his.  That's all I need.  Just to feel the smooth part.  And when Tom is laying beside me, all I need is to just reach out and put my finger against the pad of his paw.  Any paw.  And I'm content.

The smooth underside of my engagement ring soothes me at work.  I'll take it off and just roll it around the pad of my index finger.  I think it makes Todd nervous when I do it in front of him.

I haven't mentioned this particular quirk to my therapist.  There's so many other things to worry about.

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Like this. I think I have this disorder.

When I have sleepy days like today, and Tom’s cuddled with me that morning, all I can think about just going home and curling up with the little fluffball.

But then I also have those days where I just want to cling and curl up with my big Fluffball. Maybe that’s a different disorder?

(Side note – I had started to email Todd to ask him to photoshop his face over the kitty’s, but then I thought “I don’t need no stinkin’ man! I have MS Paint!”  It’s just as good, I think.)

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I actually thought of more quirks, but I think I should stop here.
Whew.

Who still likes me?