Sunday, August 24, 2008

Home....And Then Some

Yes, we're back! Todd has done a great job of laying out the activities day by day, so I really don't need to rehash all of the details.

I will say it sure didn't feel like a whole week. Although, on the plane ride home yesterday, I suddenly became very exhausted and passed out for I don't know how long. Guess everything caught up with me. Meeting new people for an entire week tends to take it out of you.

And it was good dip in the parent pool. I didn't really go under......just doggie paddled to the edge a couple of times. Which, if you think about it, isn't too bad for my first full week with the kiddies. I know Todd was worried that I was going to get sick of him but that just wasn't even an issue. He still had me laughing until I had tears in my eyes on the plane ride home.

But, oh, it feels good to be home.

I ordered in thai food last night, had a glass of wine, took a long bath and painted my nails. This morning, I ran errands and just enjoyed being back in Ballard.

And now I'm off to piddle a little more until it's time to get ready for dinner. A special dinner. Dinner at Salty's. Today marks a whopping three months with Todd so we're celebrating. Is it just me, or does it feel like three years? Hard to believe it's only been months.

Speaking of relationships, our hostess with the mostest, Beth, said something a few nights ago that made my mouth just fall open. And opened up a whole new train of thought for me.

By now you've realized that I don't use this blog to spout about my feelings regarding Todd. There's a lot going on inside my head (and heart) and he's aware of all of this, but I don't want my blog to be therapy anymore. You guys were great this past year when I needed an outlet, but now, this relationship is so.....important....that I don't want to let everyone completely in on it. It's more complicated than boy-meets-girl-they-fall-in-love-cue-mushy-music. Todd and I each have our own baggage and issues from the past and I think we're doing a fantastic job of working those things out. So please don't think that just because I don't gush about him means I'm not in love with him. I am very much, 100%, completely in love with him. And his kids. How on earth could I not be?

That said, I tend to freak out every now and then. Sometimes it's because of a trigger from the past, sometimes it's because I fear making the same stupid mistakes I made last year, and sometimes it's because I feel like I'm just sitting in the corner, picking my nose, while this relationship happens around me. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm even participating. Like I'm not in control. And that makes me panic.

So when Beth said that her relationship with her husband took on a life of it's own when they were dating, I literally gasped.

A life of it's own.

Picking my nose.

See how it's the same?

Apparently, when a relationship is right, it just happens. Momentum takes hold and you just have to try and hang on and not get thrown over the side. This is a completely foreign concept to me.

My longest and most pertinent relationship ever began with complete denial. We were just "hanging out" for eight months. Spending Friday night through Monday morning together, sure, but we were just "hanging out". We never, ever, used the term "girlfriend" or "boyfriend". Then we really never lived together those first few years. We just "stayed with each other" because of whatever the current situation was. We didn't really get officially domestic until year four when we got a joint bank account (in addition to our own checking accounts).

This is my frame of reference. Healthy, right?

I thought we were just taking it slow. Now I see I had a chain around his neck and was dragging him down the beautiful path to domesticity. A path he so clearly was not happy to be on. Oh, I think I probably knew that, but dammit, I am no quitter!

So, to have a man who is gung ho about domesticity and togetherness completely throws me. I don't know how to do this if I'm not dragging them kicking and screaming. That's my way of being in control. And you know there's no way I can drag Todd anywhere. The man is huge.

Anywho. That's what's going on. Todd is at the end of the relationship path, arms wide open, tapping his foot and waiting on me. He's probably checking the time every now and then because he's a planner and our social calendar is constantly jam packed. I can see the kids too (along with every gatekeeper I met this past week), jumping up and down and cheering me on. "You can do it, Raechelle!"

I, however, am very gingerly walking toward him, while just trying to stay in the middle of the path and not fall down. I'm just being very, very careful. The path is uneven and if I rush, I'm going to hurt myself. Todd has been down this path. Hell, you can even see his big ol' footprints in the dirt. He OWNS this path. But it's all very new to me.

I wish I could paint. It would be a pretty picture, wouldn't it?

Okay, enough babbling. I gotta get ready for dinner. It's raining out but I am not deterred. I am wearing my new gold strappy shoes! I mean it!


Marcia said...

Yes, indeed, a life of it's own. Just relax and enjoy.
Love ya!

antiem said...

You do paint a beautiful picture. With words! What a writer. What a great picture.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you just need to "be." Don't analyze, don't try to figure things out, don't think so much. If it feels right - and it seems like it does - go with it! Glad you guys had fun. But you're right - there's no place like home!

Anonymous said...

Ya know, that Beth chick is pretty smart. You should put her in your blogroll, doncha think? ;)

(word verification OTD: "enenboms"...I'm thinking that's what happens when you drop those candies that you thought were M&Ms but turn out to be fakers. e.g. Pokies.)

Heather said...

I'd be more worried that they would remember me and poop on me at a really inconvenient time. Not that there is ever a good time to be pooped on by a bird.

For that matter if they car recognise your face, can the recognise your car? It does logically follow that if they know you and then see you get into your car, they can bombard your car with bird poop. I think that would be worse than getting pecked to death. Then again, maybe not for you. You'd have something else to clean.


Raechelle said...

Ah, I'm a bad BFF, aren't I Creth?

You are now on the blogroll :-)