Thursday, June 12, 2008

For The Non Believers

I often go back and read my own blog, both the old one and the new one.

Narcissistic? Maybe.

I've also been working my way through my old journals. I started a diary when I was seven or so (it was pink, had a little lock on it), and wrote up through age 22. It's been an eye opening experience. I tend to say "When I was 14 and friendless and alone....blah blah blah" but after re-reading the journals from those days, it appears that I was not friendless and alone. I was quite the social butterfly. Boys were asking me out, I was asking out boys, dad was saying no regularly. I had a couple of very constant, good girlfriends. But when I flash back to that time, that's not the stuff I remember.

My therapist said that powerful emotions can take the place of reality when we think back. It's like a snapshot. He asked me what I see in my snapshot when I say "When I was 14....". Know what I see?

I see me, sitting on the edge of my bed in my bedroom that is red, black and white, with walls covered in New Kids On The Block and Corey Haim posters. My mom is sitting beside me, with her arm around me. She's consoling me because my plans for that night (I'm guessing it was a weekend night) have just been cancelled and I'm extremely upset about this. Now I have to stay home and that equals "no friends". My mom is stroking my head and apologizing.


Telling me she sorry that she didn't put me in sports or activities so that I would have more friends. And the next day she'll take me shopping to make me feel better. Cause that's how she operated. Which is why we're such good friends, I think.

So that "powerful emotion" (love and comfort from my mom) that has taken the place of reality (Miss Social Butterfly has to stay home one night. Poo). That "powerful emotion" has skewed the memories I have of my past. So going back and reading my journals has clarified some things for me.

However, there are no pictures in my journals, so I'm still convinced I was fat in high school.


Going back and reading the first blog is just a nice stroll down memory lane and re-reading the new blog reminds me how strong I am and how far I've come in a year.

It can also shed some light on things. In the re-reading of my new blog, I came across this post: Gimme A Break, Will Ya? That horoscope now takes on a whole different meaning. And hanineal's comment flat out gives me the shivers. I don't know who that person is, but I am almost convince it was the universe itself. Cause, you know, the universe blogs.

I mentioned this post to Todd back when we first met, and I said "I guess this "new group of people" is you and your group of people?" His response was, "Well, duh." (he's so wise, that one) I guess I forgot about the exchange.

Until this morning.

I've always believed in horoscopes (and the fact that sometimes they're just way off) but this one has just solidified that belief. Someone, somewhere knew what was about to take place in my life. They gave me hint and then let me go.

Oh, Dee had an inkling too, but I know her so it's not as Twilight Zone-y.


TigereyeSal said...

Like, WOW! said...

You should always listen to me. Both you and the Mysterious Traveler have benefited from my sage advice.


Raechelle said...

Hanineal, do you do private consultations ;-)

I'm glad you're reading and advising. Makes me feel taken care of.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...I remember that post. See, not all change is bad! BTW - you looked like Jennifer again in your post about the Sleepover - the picture where you're cooking french toast.
Dee Dee

tbone said...

I *told* you. ;-)

hanineal said...

I only step in when I think I'm needed.

Right now you seem to be doing just fine by yourself.