Thursday, February 14, 2013

Random Thoughts - Valentine's Edition

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm so glad I didn't plan an expensive romantic dinner out.  However, the Crazy Aussie brought in two boxes of Cupcake Royale cupcakes, some with bacon (the bitch).  And she asked to see my Cleanse approved food list a few days ago, and I didn't think anything of it, but then she handed me a gluten free cupcake. 

So freakin' thoughtful.

She said they had vegan cupcakes (no eggs, no dairy, would have ALMOST made the cut) but she couldn't bring herself to buy one.  Shoot.  Tricia recommended on Facebook that I freeze this one and celebrate after The Cleanse.  That sounds good.  If it makes it home.  Which I cannot guarantee.


I'm having quinoa and broccoli for lunch.  Which is quite a treat, because tomorrow begins day 7 - 13 of The Cleanse.  Here where it starts kicking my ass.

No oats, rice or brown rice.  No milk alternatives (I've come to like almond milk).  No nuts of any kind.  No meat of any kind (all the fish I can eat, though).  No fruit juices of any kind.  And the fruits and vegetables are extremely limited.

Todd and I are a bit stressed.  We're not sure what to eat for dinner.  He doesn't like fish much, but I could live on that and steamed veggies for two weeks.  I could also just drink the smoothies he makes me.  Those puppies fill me up.

We'll re-evaluate the situation on Saturday, when it's time to grocery shop again.


I'm wearing my skinny jeans and I don't feel very skinny.  In high school, we used to call these pegleg jeans.  And, as we often do after high school, I swore I'd never wear them again.  And here we are.  At least we're not wearing Z Cavaricci's.  Oy.

I had black ones.  That white tag, right on the zipper, always bothered me.  It draws the eye.


I had a little identity crisis last Friday.  Well, I think I'm still in it.  Just not as bad.

I went out to happy hour with my co-workers, who are all mid 20's to early 30's.  I know my three principals are older than me, but that's about it.  I'm the oldest support staff.

Anywho, sitting at happy hour was an eye opener.  One, I felt extremely fat (PMS bloat, plus prednisone) and that's not familiar to me.  I couldn't even really cross my legs (in my skinny jeans) and I just felt like a blob. 

I treated myself to one glass of Prosecco as The Cleanse was starting the next day and that was just weird.  To be at a happy hour and not throw back a few cocktails.  I was limiting myself.  And I didn't have any dating horror stories, and I was really, really tired so I quieter than normal, and on the drive home it dawned on me - who the hell am I?

This is not me.  This may have to be me for a while, but I don't much like this person.  She's dull and boring and has bags under her eyes and she's got two chins and she doesn't drink.  What the hell fun is that?!

I think what bothers me the most is that my new co-workers don't know the pre-sick Raechelle.  I like her much better.  I know they like me, and they've welcomed me with open arms, but I just want them to see the fun, energetic, thinner Raechelle.  Maybe even the younger Raechelle. 

Holy crap, I'm going to be 38 in two months!  I should be secure and confident and not taking any shit from anyone. Except the insecurity is overwhelming because I feel ugly and I want to be liked so very badly so normally I would drink a lot of wine to mask the insecurities and make me likable (I think) but I can’t drink the wine right now so I’m faced with my insecurities and it makes me feel 14 again and I don’t know how to cope with that feeling but at least I have a boy who loves me.

Why do I even pay for a therapist?

On that note, I have a massage tonight.  On Valentine's Day!  I'm so bad.  But I'm so excited to have insurance that covers it again.

No comments: