How I Accidently Watched The Royal Wedding

I had no intention of staying up until 2am to watch William and Kate get married. Kayleigh even asked about it before we went to bed and I said, “Uh, hell no.” Yes, I had it on our Google calendar, but I knew there’d be recaps all weekend, and I was fine with that.

But then came 1:47am, and I woke up coughing and no amount of albuterol or cough drops would calm it. Of course, I was pissed off immediately because my precious sleep had been interrupted, but then it hit me.

The royal wedding was starting.

It was fate.

So, I snuck out of the bedroom with my blanket and my pillow and curled up on the couch with Tom. We kept the TV turned down low, so as not to awaken the rest of the household (and thus, be mocked).

I was full of anticipation. Where was William? Ah! There comes William and Harry in a swanky car. Nice. He’s so cute. And Harry looks like a wild frat boy.

And now they walk inside Westminster Abby and take off their gloves and hat and…hand them to some guy? Wait, they didn’t get a ticket back! How will the guy know which hat is William’s?! All the men are taking off their hats and handing them over! No one is getting a claim ticket!

Oh, this is going to be a disaster. Did no one think to plan this part better? I know we only had a few months to throw this together, but people! Maybe they’re using sticky notes off to the side. One sticky says “Will”, one sticky says “Harry”, one sticky says “Dad”.

Well, as long as the stickies are out of sight, then I guess it’s okay. We’ve got a reputation to uphold here. This is a royal wedding! Not a slapstick hillbilly wedding!

Okay, moving on. Yeah, yeah, the boys mingle. William tells a few women they look “fabulous”. Only the English can get away with saying “fabulous” seriously. Harry is figiting. Must be hungover and needing some hair of the dog. You party animal, Harry.

And, now we have parents (well, “parent” and Camilla. I’m still bitter that she’s there and Diana’s not), and oh, the Queen. She looks bored. She’s probably sick of weddings. All the hubbub and the horns and the little choir boys singing so high you think the stain glass is going to shatter. I bet she’s thinking, “I just want some tea. When can I have my tea?” Poor Queen.

And there’s Kate getting into her swanky car! Wow, that’s a lot of train! Poor Dad doesn’t know what to do with all that material. Lacy. Of course. Veil and tiara. Of course. Just classic.

Such a long drive to the Abbey.

Oh, Kate's getting out of the car!  So much train!  Well, not as much train as Diana, but a nice modest train.  So pretty....

Williams back is to her, he won't look.  He's being coy.  Ah, but Harry looked!  Yeah, Kate's looking hot, he says to William.

Now the traditional blah blah blah, marriage, have and hold.  But man, that one guy is scary - the Archbishop of Canterbury says to Prince William and Catherine:

"I require and charge you both, as ye will answer at the dreadful day of judgement when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed, that if either of you know any impediment, why ye may not be lawfully joined together in Matrimony, ye do now confess it. For be ye well assured, that so many as are coupled together otherwise than God’s word doth allow are not joined together by God; neither is their Matrimony lawful."

I would be terrified.

So no one opposes the marriage, William and Kate have nothing to hide, and William isn't wearing a wedding band.  Huh?  That seems suspicious.....

What?  No kiss?!  Come on!

Ah, glory be to God, the choir is singing, Elton John doesn't know the words to that particular hymn or he just isn't in the mood to sing.  Could be that big speech about marriage being between a man and a woman.  I'm sure Elton didn't appreciate that too much.

Now they're in the carriage, and they're riding off and Kate is waving like a good little dutchess.  They're so pretty.   So many horses!  Goodness!

They arrive at Buckingham Palace and all file inside while the crowd follows on foot.  The appearance of the crowd alone makes me want to throw up.  Too.Many.People.  And that poor line of police officiers, keeping them at bay.  Not a fun job.

So where are they going to appear on the balacony?  Oh, NBC has a little count down clock in the corner of the screen.  Thank goodness!  And there they all are!  Wave, wave, wave.  Just kiss for gawd's sake!

Really?  That's it?  A peck?

I know you don't like PDA, Will, but you are rumored to be a man of the people and the people want some passion!  At least hug her!

Another kiss?  Well, thanks.  But you still didn't hug her.

Now it's 5:30am and it's too late to try and get some sleep, and Todd is now sitting with me and educating me on the British Empire, so I might as well just make some coffee and plow though this day.

We should be able to drink champagne at work today.
It's a holiday.  Kind of.