I'm blue today. Not sure why. So, of course, I'm overanalyzing it and trying to figure out just where the "blue" is and why.
Which makes me even more blue.
I could be tired. I blame the drive to Covington last night for the monthly gals' dinner. After dinner, we all went back to Nichole's and had birthday cake. She bought me an ice cream cake. My first ever. Then she barked at me to "blow out the goddamn candles, Raechelle, they're melting on the cake!" I love Nichole. She reminds me a lot of my mom. Nichole may not be so flattered to hear that.
Anyway, since we were all just lounging around, I didn't leave her place until 11pm or so. I got home and went straight to bed, and slept pretty well until 7am when my new upstairs neighbor, Esther (who I fear may be a morning person), started clomping around. She must have left around 7:30am, because it got quiet again, so I slept until 9:30am.
Then, since I was blinded by sunlight, I figured I'd make the most of the nice day and go for a walk. Couldn't hurt to burn off the mud pie ice cream cake from last night. It was a good walk. I wanted a new route, so I maybe slightly inadvertently but maybe on purpose walked by The Ex's place. And I maybe felt like a stalker. Nothing noteworth except all of the blinds are down and his car has a new hole in the side.
Funny thing. I've dreamed about him for the past two nights (source of the blue?). In one dream, I was visiting him and was just appalled at the state of the apartment. Then he morphed into a creepy doctor I work with. In the other dream, I was visiting him again and he was making dinner. We were hugging and I remember thinking, "Why bother? It's not like this relationship is ever going to go anywhere." He asked me to put his cell phone away because he didn't want to be bothered and as I was putting it in the drawer of the coffee table, I noticed the screensaver was a picture of me. Then I was sitting on the couch and his girlfriend came over with her parents. And she was none too happy that I was there. And that's it. So he was on my mind as I set out this morning.
Got home from my walk, stretched, ate some breakfast, took a shower, then just sat in my new chair and stared out the window while I drank my tea. And I have no plans for day. None. How weird is that? My Sheauns are both traveling, Jamie has to study, Val's out of town, Rachelle has Date Morning with her man on Sundays......
I'm all alone.
I don't think I'm handling it well.
Could very well be PMS.
I'm not used to this downtime. I know it's good for me, but then I beat myself up because there are things I should be doing. That's what I want on my headstone - "But there are things I should be doing!!"
I should call my ex-sis-in-sin. I've been wanting to see her for a month and just haven't had the time to get up there and visit. I should call my ex-aunt-in-sin to see how she's recuperating after a recent medical procedure she had done. I should go see Milo and Kim. I should go grocery shopping. I should take my vacuum in for servicing since I've never had it serviced in the five years I've had it AND I have a 50% off coupon. I should get my hair trimmed. I should take the pile of stuff in my corner to Goodwill. I should sneak into Shaun's apartment and do laundry (and clean for him - because I'm good like that.) I should do SOMETHING! I feel like I'm wasting the day.
But I can't seem to move from this chair. My mind is on overload with everything it wants to do, but my body is not cooperating. Maybe it's already exhausted from what's coming up: Monday: Jessica. Tuesday: walking, Wednesday: massage, maybe shopping with Jamie, Thursday: maybe shopping with Jamie if Wednesday doesn't work, Friday: happy hour with Jamie and her school buds. I may take Friday off. I have Monday, the 14th, off (because, ahem, it's my birthday) so why not just take Friday off too and make it a four day weekend?
Honestly, I just want to go back to bed.
Ooh, my Carrie Bradshaw moment:
At what point do we listen to our bodies and just do what it wants, without thinking there's something wrong?