Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Forgiveness

Well, first, I would like to ask forgiveness for the gluttonous feast that was dinner.

Anthony's is having it's Lobster Fest. Oy. A prefix menu that includes a starter (chowder or a salad - of course I went for the chowder because only pansies go for the salad at a prefix) and then an entree of lobster tail with potatoes and a veggie for the low, low price of $19.95. Add dessert (cheesecake with a raspberry sauce) and a glass of champagne and you have one nauseous chick. Oh gawd. Jamie has some great ideas, but I always end up hurting somehow afterwards. Ya gotta love her.

Now, a little epiphany (see: tangent) about forgiveness.

As you may recall, I've had a bad year. In addition to ending a six year relationship and turning my simple little world upside down, I did some very bad things. I made some mistakes. I lied to some friends. I lied to some people who were more than friends. I cried alot. I drank alot. I took pretty pink prescription pills.

But I survived (and I'm no longer taking the pretty pink pills). I've grown, I've learned and (hopefully) I've come though a better person. Most of my friends have scolded me, then forgiven me and we've moved on. But I feel like there are a couple people still on the fence. I know they love me, but I also know I hurt them more than I ever thought I could. I know they've almost forgiven me, and I'm so very grateful, but I'm wondering what needs to be done to push them over the fence so we can move on.

Now, the flip side.

Remember the "friend" I met down at the Lock & Keel to play pool with back in July? I thought we were just hangin' out, shootin' some pool, but he thought it was a full on date and he was all over me. And, though I didn't mention it at the time, he kissed me when he walked, er followed, me to my car. Quite forcibly. And it freaked me out.

Unfortunately, this guy works in my building so I have to see him occasionally. For the first month after that night, I wouldn't even look at him. Before this incident, I used to joke with him, but, ha! No more of that. Then, one day he stopped in my office and said, "So I guess you hate me now?"

Um. You could say that.

No apologies for being a pushy prick, just a flippant remark. Which made me even angrier. I said, "No, I don't hate you. But I don't like you very much. You made me extremely uncomfortable so I'd just rather not talk to you anymore." His reply? "Yeah, I was a bit pushy....." No apology.

So that was that.

Except lately, he seems to think we're okay. He thinks because it's been seven months, I should be over it. He's even referred to me as "hot stuff", like he did post-pushy prick incident. He invited me to his birthday party. He asks if I have plans on the weekend. He's just not getting the hint. I'm not rude to him (although my co-workers say I should be). I make extremely small talk, only if I must, then I walk away.

Here's where fate and karma and the universe speak to me and I get all deep. Cue the spiritual music and mystical chimes.

Am I supposed to forgive this person and give him a second chance? Even though I think he is an absolute creep? I'm asking for forgiveness and a second chance from people (and I know they think I'm a creep in some ways), but I feel like the process is stuck. Is it because I can't seem to do the same thing that I'm asking of people? Is the universe saying "How do you expect your friends to forgive you and give you a second chance if you can't do the same thing?"

The thing is, I don't think this guy is worthy of a second chance. I think he's slimy and creepy and icky. I think giving him a second chance at just being my friend would only encourage him to be more creepy toward me. It would be like giving him permission to go back to calling me hot stuff (which makes my stomach turn) and flirting with me. I don't want that relationship with him. Forgiving him would be like saying, oh, it's okay. No biggie.

It's not okay.

But if I don't forgive him, I don't think my friends are going to forgive me. I think they feel the same way. I think they feel like by forgiving me and giving me a second chance, they're basically saying, oh, it's okay. La la la. Regardless of the difference in situations, regardless of "how wrong" something is. Hurt is hurt and forgiveness is forgiveness.

I really think this is one of those tests.

So, my Carrie Bradshaw moment:

Can I swallow my pride, and my hurt, and forgive this guy? Will my friends be able to swallow their pride, and their hurt, and forgive me?

Stay tuned.
Your local news is next.....

4 comments:

Carrie and/or Wayne said...

I don't know what you did or didn't do or said or didn't say to your friends - but they are FRIENDS for a reason. They, IMO, deserve much more respect and kindness than some random creep who decided he was allowed into your personal space in that way. Forgiveness, (again, IMO), is for YOU - the person giving it. Your friends will find that it allows them to love you again without guilt or judgement, you will find that forgiving yourself will free YOU, as well. When you are ready. Forgiveness should never, ever mean, "Oh yeah, that's okay - you should treat me like crap again." or "Oh I don't mind being your doormat" or even, "I now understand and accept what you did even though it hut me like hell." Forgiveness just means, "I am letting my feelings go because they are tearing me up inside. And I know that you are a human being with faults and I am not responsible for that." Your friends will forgive for themselves, and then DECIDE to love you anyway. And if they do not, well, maybe you shouldn't worry about that.

I've done some major forgiving -- and I've needed some major forgiving.

It's all J.M.O.!!

Mom said...

Ditto, carrie and/or wayne!

Anonymous said...

I think what's needed before forgiveness--because you'll be faced continuously with his pushy flirtiness--is direct boundaries set by you. Hints aren't enough, and before "inner Raechelle" can feel protected she needs someone to stand up for her. Have you told him, "I want you stop [whatever behavior.] I am not interested in a friendship with you." ...or some such thing? Then you let go, forgive, for your own closure to what's eating at you. Ditto Carrie/Wayne on what forgiveness is. But I also think it would help you to be clear with him, when he next misbehaves. If he doesn't, you shouldn't go up to him and dredge up his past behavior, but set the boundary clearly inside you: I deserve to be treated with respect, and I will not tolerate being disrespected. ...my 2 cents. Yay for the boundaries you have and for loving yourself too much to let him continue!

val said...

Maybe I read to fast or just didn't comprehend but why would your friends be upset at you for not forgiving someone who violated you? I would have walked right up to him in your office and punched him in the face and said,"Have a nice day." and walked out. Maybe violence isn't the solution either. But don't take addvice from someone who has screwed up every relationship but one in her whole life!!! =)