Saturday, December 29, 2007

Who am I?

I'm reading Crazy Aunt Purl's book and a sentence just made me put the book down, stare at the wall and think.

"Thirty-something years old seems like a very peculier time to figure out who you are."

Amen, sister.

Who am I? I started thinking about this. I tried to come up with some simple words to describe myself, but that felt limiting. I'm funny. I'm insecure. I'm single. Blah. That's boring. So I started thinking outside the box.

So, some things about me:

* I've had 22 different homes - 11 between the ages of one and 21 and since age 21, 11 more. Mom says we have gypsy in us. I really want the pretty white house with the big porch and the white picket fence. And I want to stay in it for more than five years.

* I'm secretly worried that I will wear a dent in my mattress because I keep sleeping in the same spot - the middle. The sides of the bed get no action.

* I keep buying yogurt, thinking I need to eat yogurt, but I hate yogurt. Therefore, I waste a lot of money on yogurt.

* I'm feeling pressure to do something important. Like take a class or write a book or rock climb. But I'm having option paralysis so just I sleep a lot.

* I really, really, really wanted a glass of champagne tonight, but I bought a bottle of sparking apple cider instead. It's all gone now. And my tummy doesn't feel so good.

* I keep my cell phone at my side at all times just in case someone texts me. Pa.The.Tic.

* I reached out to Jamie tonight. I called her, told her I was lonely and asked if she wanted to get together. Look at me! She was in for the night, but I'm going over there for the Seahawks game tomorrow. I think I'm growing.....

* I have a security blanket, I kid you not. Actually, I have two. They're from JC Penny's and they don't make them anymore. They have the thick, satin edges and I fall asleep with the satin wrapped around my fingers. I buy these kinds of blankets for every new baby I have to buy a gift for. Passing along the neurosis.

* I've picked up a bad habit of not closing drawers and cabinet doors. I open the drawer, take out a knife to use, and for some reason think I will be putting the knife back so I don't close the drawer. Eventually, I notice the drawer is still open, and I'll close it, while muttering to myself, "Why the hell did I leave that open?"

* I fantasize a lot. That's how I go to sleep. I envision a situation I'd like to happen (a date, a wedding, quitting my job) and I walk through it, detail by detail. Inevitably, this stimulates my brain and actually keeps me awake. Know what the definition of crazy is? Repeating the same action over and over, expecting different results.

* My hands are always, always freezing. I blame anemia.

* I found myself cleaning up Kohl's today. Did I tell you this is why I started therapy in the first place, last March? I couldn't go into a store without cleaning. I would bring the discarded clothes from the person before me out of the dressing room when I'd leave (or sometimes all the hangers that were left on the floor), I would see a shirt that was out of place, so I'd have to wonder around until I found where the shirt belonged and could return it to it's home. I tried leaving some in the wrong spot, but eventually, I would pass by it again and would just have to find it's proper spot. This symptom let up over the summer, but in the last few weeks, it's returned again. Which is why I was shopping for seven hours yesterday. Cleaning takes a lot of time. My therapist and I think this starts up when I feel like my life is out of control. Cleaning is control.

* I also straighten displays. That doesn't take as much time, but it's still aggravating.

Oh, I could go on and on, but I fear I may not be painting the best picture of myself. Let's just stick with I'm a nice person. That's safe to say, right?


Kristin said...

You are hilarious and should write a book.

Dee said...

You have issues. Love you anyway.