I had my first major trigger tonight.
I went to a bonfire for a friend's 40th birthday down at Golden Gardens. I left after an hour, and then I sat in my car and cried. The last time I was at a bonfire at Shilshole was with The Gang. I don't have a gang anymore.
Tonight, I spent most of the time standing by myself, staring at the fire, trying to look like I was perfectly comfortable not knowing anyone. One woman talked with me when she learned I was apartment hunting, then some guy who was new to the group (and new to Seattle) tried to chat me up. I'm not at all interested in that crap. I just wanted to go home, curl up in my jammies and watch some comfort tv. Which I'm doing now. Seinfeld.
It's been a long time since I've been alone and unknown in a group. And it made me very homesick. I've never felt homesick for some place other than my parents' place, but I think tonight I'm homesick for my old life. I'm homesick for familiararity and for normalcy. Homesick for a home.
I know the light is just up ahead. Three more weeks, and (hopefully) I'll begin to get settled into my new life, which will be none too soon as I fear I am nearing the very end of my rope. I thought the very end of my rope was three weeks ago, and I was finally starting to work my way upward, but I feel like I've been beaten down a notch or two.
It's a good thing Shaun isn't home tonight.
And that there's no wine in the house...
7 comments:
Hey I'm suzy. Sort of new to this blog. Kind of ...finding it my place to say how I really feel, ya know? I understand how you feel in you post...yeah, it will get better. It's just waiting for it to ...sucks. There is no other way to put it :(
I was there the other day too! Golden Gardens rocks!
You'll have a new Gang before you know it not to mention a new home. Everything new. It's going to be awesome, I just know it. Because you deserve it!
One more thing - no wine in the house? What's wrong with you girl? You're slippin'. I'll let you slide - you've had a rough few weeks.
I hope you are feeling a little better since you posted this. I'm also hoping you found some wine. ;-)
You know - - Dee's right. Won't be long till you have it all back. And you can't help feeling the way you feel, so don't fight it. If you feel like crying - do it! All of us who love you hate what you're going through, but we all know you, and it's a temporary thing. You're hanging in there, and you're determined to make it. And we're all with you. Love You
Ditto what Mamamary and Dee said!
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