If I Had a Million Dollars....

I would hire a personal driver. Because 1) I absolutely HATE driving now and 2) I am paranoid as all get out. It's like everyone is too close to me, or trying to merge into me, or breaking in front of me for no reason, just so I'll run into them.

My hands hurt by the time I get because I've got a death grip on the steering wheel.

Oh, but I've discovered a cool little trick.

If you follow a bus or a semi or cement truck, people will go around you. No one wants to ride my ass when I'm doing 30 miles an hour behind a slow moving whatever. So when I'm feeling really paranoid and can't keep up, I find the truck or the bus and get behind them.

Yes, it takes me twice as long to get anywhere, but by gawd, I can relax a little as I just putter along.

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And another reason I now hate driving, especially downtown, is that one of my greatest fears came true yesterday.

I was driving to my doctor's appointment and came to a stop light. I was behind another car, waiting to turn right on red, when a weirdo dude on the sidewalk, kind of squatted down and looked at me through my front window. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, but completely ignored him. Then he crept closer to my car, about the same time I locked my doors, then he came up to my car, on the passenger side and bent down to look at me through the window.

And then he KNOCKED ON MY PASSENGER SIDE WINDOW.

Excuse me?! Who the hell do you think you are? Get the frick away from car, you nutjob!

I've always worried that one of the beggars on the street corners would come up to my car and knock on the window or try to open the door. So I always lock my doors if I'm coming up to a light and see someone standing there. But they've never bothered me.

I ended up nudging the car in front of me, so he'd turn right so I could turn right and speed away. And then I was right back in bumper to bumper traffic, so I went back to gripping the steering wheel like a mad woman.

Yes, once I win the lotto, I will post an ad for a driver. Contact me if you know anyone who would be interested in the job.