It was a year ago today that Steve and I went out to dinner for our 6th anniversary and I proposed to him.
Yes. I proposed to him.
And, well, I don't think I need to tell you what happened. I'm not married, now am I? He didn't say no. After 30 minutes, he actually said yes, but I don't think he meant it. His death grip on the steering wheel during our drive home was quite telling. So, the next day I took it off the table.
But I was engaged for 14 hours.
A few of my friends have said, oh thank god, you guys didn't get married! They said I would have resented him on every anniversary because he didn't do the proposing. At the time, I just thought, if I want this to happen, I have to take the bull by the horns! Make it so! But looking back, my friends are right. I would have resented him for not stepping up. So it all worked out for the best.
I deserve to be wanted. I deserve to be pursued and sought after and desired. I spent too many years wrangling Steve into submission. It's not that he didn't want to be with me necessarily, it's just that he didn't do a whole lot to choose to be with me. Other than just not breaking up with me. He just went with the flow. Which was fine back then.
One of my favorite quotes from Dirty Dancing (because yes, I'm a dweeb):
"It didn't occur to me to mind."
Well, now I mind. I don't regret the past, but I've sure as hell learned a lot from it. I will not waste my time on someone who can't muster the energy to want me. Life is too short. And I'm too cute.