Monday, December 17, 2007

Saddness Rears It's Ugly Head

I've been good for so long I forgot what it was like to sit at my desk and cry. Until about 2pm this afternoon.

I'm not sure what happened. My morning just trickled downhill and by this afternoon I was just sad. I thought the pretty pink pills were suppose to fix that? Maybe this is my punishment for having a few sips of wine this past weekend? Whatever it is, it's thrown me back to that curl-up-in-bed-and-cry-myself-to-sleep place.

This week looks so long and daunting. I just need to make it until Friday. Then Friday night, I'm on a plane to Houston and for some reason, I think once I'm there, things will be all better. For six days I can act like everything is fine and shop with my mom and watch cable with dad. But I'm already dreading coming back to Seattle. Dealing with New Year's Eve. Being alone.

I've been fine with being alone recently. I like myself. Hell, I crack myself up. I am my own best friend. But this lonliness comes in waves. Or shifts, if you will. Four weeks, fine and dandy. Three days of crying. Four weeks, fine and dandy. Three days of crying. Those three days are the longest days ever. I can't wait to get out of work, but once I'm home, I can't wait to go bed, so I can get up and go to work and not be alone. Craziness.

Thankfully, I don't have much alone time this week. I visited with Kim and Milo for a couple of hours this evening, then I called Rachelle to see if she wanted to go to sushi. Sushi always makes it better. Tomorrow, we're walking, then I'm meeting up with a friend who is in from out of town. And, poor girl, she has no idea what's been going on for the past few months. Just wait until she asks me, "So! What's new with you?" I'm not looking forward to that conversation. Or explaining why I'm drinking diet coke instead of jack-n-coke. That alone will throw up a red flag.

Wednesday night is laundry and packing. And Jessica is coming over to hang out for a few hours. Thursday is probably more packing and good TV, so even though I'll be alone, I've got good TV. Then Friday night I leave. So at least I'm occupied this week. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I had every evening to myself. I don't think that bottle of wine in my fridge would survive, that's for sure.

Man, I don't like this feeling. I thought I was past all this. I guess I'll just wait it out. Saddness is like a cold. There's not much I can do about it. Yes, I could take Nyquil (see: wine), but that's only going to mask the symptoms. You have to just let it run it's course and try to make yourself as comfortable as possible (jammies, couch, friends, chocolate covered cherries) in the meantime.

This too, like dinner, shall pass.


Dee said...

Sometimes the holidays are hard - everyone's supposed to be happy all the time and sometimes we just can't. I think your visit home will be just what you need. And you said you're dreading going back to Seattle - nobody said you HAVE to live in Seattle. Lot's of nice places to live on the east coast. Kristin still needs a roommate. 'Nough said.

gardengirl said...

Hugs to you from me...

Kristin said...

Yes, I do still need a roommate! I live ALONE and am not dating anyone, so I can relate. So come live w/me (and Whitters) and neither of us will be alone!!!