I'm home, alone, on a Saturday night. And I'm okay with that.
This is a huge step for me.
I beat myself up for wanting to be with people. I feel like it makes me dependent and weak. How often have you heard "You can't rely on anyone else for your own happiness"? So when I have a crappy day (like yesterday) and I start thinking "Who can call?" I think I'm being weak because I'm relying on someone else to make me happy.
Good thing I'm in therapy, right?
I don't cope well with lonliness. Loneliness takes me back to age 13 when I was writing poetry about wanting to die. I don't think I ever really learned how to deal with that feeling - I just grew up. And so now I equate being alone with being lonely and friendless and unloved, then I tend to slip into that icky, dark place. Which scares the absolute shit out of me.
When I was with Steve, I never felt lonely. I knew I had someone with me, in one sense or another. There was a bond. Now I have to learn how to deal without that bond. Without that sense of togetherness. It's scary. And it's lonely.
But tonight, I chose not to call anyone for entertainment. I've been sitting here on my computer for the past four hours, going through old emails and photos and laughing my ass off. I'm quite entertained.
And I'm okay. I don't feel lonely. It would be nice to have someone here, but I'm not sliding into that dark place. I'm holding steady.
I think I'm growing.