I'm home, alone, on a Saturday night. And I'm okay with that.
This is a huge step for me.
I beat myself up for wanting to be with people. I feel like it makes me dependent and weak. How often have you heard "You can't rely on anyone else for your own happiness"? So when I have a crappy day (like yesterday) and I start thinking "Who can call?" I think I'm being weak because I'm relying on someone else to make me happy.
Good thing I'm in therapy, right?
I don't cope well with lonliness. Loneliness takes me back to age 13 when I was writing poetry about wanting to die. I don't think I ever really learned how to deal with that feeling - I just grew up. And so now I equate being alone with being lonely and friendless and unloved, then I tend to slip into that icky, dark place. Which scares the absolute shit out of me.
When I was with Steve, I never felt lonely. I knew I had someone with me, in one sense or another. There was a bond. Now I have to learn how to deal without that bond. Without that sense of togetherness. It's scary. And it's lonely.
But tonight, I chose not to call anyone for entertainment. I've been sitting here on my computer for the past four hours, going through old emails and photos and laughing my ass off. I'm quite entertained.
And I'm okay. I don't feel lonely. It would be nice to have someone here, but I'm not sliding into that dark place. I'm holding steady.
Huh.
I think I'm growing.
5 comments:
Yep. Growing, no matter what age you are, is most times painful. You know when you've succeeded in learning and growing when you can accept what you feel and still move on. It won't always be lonely. Things will change for the better - - they've already begun. Love You! MM
I know exactly how you feel. I've had days where I, at the end of it, realized I haven't talked to anyone at all. It is good for the soul to spend time alone, especially after a break up. And loneliness is a good feeling to have as it makes you appreciate the company of others even more. I'm pulling for you!
There's a difference between alone and lonely. I like being alone, but not lonely. Glad you were't feeling lonely. And if you ever feel yourself sliding into that dark place, pick up the phone and call me!
I went thru times, such as you are going thru right now, where I didn't call ANYONE. It was really hard. I had to deal with my feelings (that is the hardest part - that is why we call people - to distract us). I gotta tell ya, after I came out of it. I felt so EMPOWERED. I knew right then and there (after a HORRIBLE few nights) that I could depend on MYSELF. It does not pertain to me right now (as I call everyone to confirm my feelings and decisions on how to make it better). Have you read any Maya Angelou??
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
Maya Angelou on being asked 'what she has learned,' on her 70th Birthday :)
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