Thursday, August 30, 2007

Random Thoughts

At lunch today, I witnessed an odd display of parenting.
A mother and her two kids, probably ages two and four, were sitting next to me. I heard the mother say "Pardon me?" a couple of times when one of the kids would mumble. That's good, I thought. Teach 'em well. But when the waitress came over and asked her a question, the woman replied with "What?" And not just once, but three times.

That doesn't seem like a very consistant method......

Holy shit! The Raiders just returned a kick for a 90 yard touchdown. Where the hell were the Seahawks?!

REI is having a major sale. So major, in fact, I may have to go back this weekend. Yes, I know I need a mattress, pots and pans and a microwave (is registering for housewarming gifts too gauche?) but I may not be able to resist the picnic backpack that I've been oogling for two years. And they already have their sweaters out and marked down. Fall's coming!

I got reprimanded for hogging the guest parking spot at Shaun's place. There was a note on my car last night when I got home. And then another one this morning when I left for work. Since the note was signed and even had the unit number on it, I paid a visit to Mr. Mean Letter Writer when I got home. I was very nice and apologetic. But I made a point to mention that I just ended a very long relationship, I've been couch surfing for two months, the apartment I originally had fell through because they're being turned into condos, and I'll be leaving Shaun's for good next Thursday (fingers=crossed).

Speaking of my shitty life, Rachelle was so kind on our Tuesday walk this week. I was talking about how I need to start walking again and I feel like I've been so lazy the last couple of months. And yes, I could walk around Capital Hill but it's just not the same as in Ballard. She said, "Raechelle. Cut yourself some slack. You haven't been lazy. You've been exhausted. You've got an awful lot going on in your life. You've just made a monumental life changing decision *and* you don't have a place to call home so I think it's okay if you don't feel like walking."

Which makes me wonder how I'm really doing. Or if I'm coping well. Am I not crying every day because I'm okay? Or because I think I'm weak if I do? But shouldn't I still be crying? My god, we were together six years. It must take longer than two months to get over something like that. Am I in denial and just not dealing with it, and that's going to come back and bite me in the ass a year from now? Am I over it? Have I been over it for a while now, but just didn't do anything about it? Was I ever really in it to begin with? My head hurts.........

I don't like to make excuses for myself or be pitied, so when I don't want to walk, I call myself lazy (which is "loaded word" according to my therapist) and don't take into account that maybe there's more going on inside than I'm really acknowledging. It takes my friends' and my readers' comments to make me realize that this really is a difficult thing and I'm not just being a selfish drama queen if I want to spend an evening curled up in a ball on the couch.

And speaking of my readers - thank you guys for being so supportive and loving. There are some mornings I just tear up reading your comments. Who knew a blog would be so good for my emotional health?

I'm thinking after I get moved and settled, I'm going go away for a the weekend. Take a dip in lake me. Relax. Let my breath out. Sleep in. Maybe sit in a hot tub for two days straight. Swaddle my inner child, if you will, and say, "It's okay. It's been a crappy summer, but it's behind us and there's a lot of good stuff waiting up ahead."

Maybe I should start writing greeting cards.....


The Hamilton's said...

I agree with your friend. You are not lazy. Not in the least. Your weekend away sounds like bliss (especially to a mom of 2 little ones). ;-) Glad to hear that you visited the neighbor that was mean. Hopefully he will leave you alone now. If you need to curl up in a ball (with a glass of wine?), go for it. You are doing great.

Anonymous said...

Howdy - I have been told that when you grieve it goes in "waves." You go thru some stages (I foget all of them) But it's something like denial, anger, despair, acceptance. It keeps cycling over and over until you heal. It's frustrating because you may think that you are better for a while, then get mad at yourself for crying again. It eventually cycles itself out and you will be over it all together. It's different for everyone. My two cents....

Dee said...

What did Mr. Mean Letter Writer say after you talked to him?
And you definitely need to cut yourself some slack - your friend is right. You've been thru a very rough time. And I think it's ok that you're not crying. Your other friend is right too - it will come and go. But I think you're not crying b/c deep down you know that you deserved better and that it was the right thing to do. You deserve soooooo much more! And you'll get it one day!

val said...

lazy |ˈlāzē| adjective ( lazier , laziest ) 1 unwilling to work or use energy : I'm very lazy by nature | he was too lazy to cook. • characterized by lack of effort or activity : lazy summer days. • showing a lack of effort or care : lazy writing. • (of a river) slow-moving.

You are not lazy. =)