Homesick, Blue, Blah....

I woke up this morning and had a hankering for my youth. So I made Coco Wheats and watched Looney Tunes while wrapped up in my jammies and a blanket. Gossamer is my favorite. And this scene where Bugs is doing Gossamer's nails and talking about how monsters are so int-er-resting.

I think I'm homesick. That's the only time I crave Coco Wheats.

And while we're reminiscing, here's my very first coffee mug. Yes, I used to drink coffee out of it when I was a wee pup.

Today is gray. In many ways. Yes, the sky is overcast and there are a few raindrops on my window, but I'm just a little blue, too.

But K-Ski is coming over for dinner! I'm making enchiladas and we'll watch The Committments and get our Glen on. I do love me a red headed Irish boy.....

Flashback

First, is it just me or does this seem dirty?
"When a woman needs a cookie...."

Log o' dough.



Okay, now the flashback.

Every now and then, I channel my mother. And it scares the shit out of me. Sometimes it's a look I give my coworkers. Sometimes it's the way I sit with my leg cocked up underneath me. Sometimes it's the way I talk to myself when I'm annoyed.

And this evening, it was when I took my ring off.

I made the work birthday cake, and because I'm in manic mode and can't sit still regardless of how tired my body is right now, I decided to whip up some chocolate chip cookies. Cause I have this log o' dough.

I cut the paper and then grabbed a hunk of dough. I started to roll it in my hands and then remembered I have my ring on. My one ring that I wear. I used to wear it on my left ring finger (wishful thinking probably) but after the break up, I try to remember to put it on my right ring finger. But sometimes I forget.

Anywho, I had my ring on and this dough all over my hands, so I slipped it off and set it on the counter. And my eyes welled up with tears. Damn hormones. I love my uterus!

My mom used to make Chef Boyardee pizzas for dinner, while I would sit on the counter, probably talking her ear off. The pizza kit was genius really. The box contained a can of sauce, a packet of cheese and the stuff to make the dough. I don't remember what you had to do to make the dough (maybe pour the power in water and mix?) but mom would have it in a bowl and use her hands to knead it. And she'd always take off her wedding ring and put it on the counter while she did it. I remember putting it on and asking her the same questions every time. "Does dad have one?" Yes, but he doesn't wear it. He's a mechanic and that's the easiest way to loose a finger. "Where'd you get them?" I don't remember. You're sitting on the instructions. "Will I have one one day?" Not if you keep being a little brat. Now get off the counter.

[laugh]

I doubt she ever said that, but it just sounds like her.

I would also eat the pepperoni that she was trying to put on the pizza.
I guess I was a bit of a brat.

First Major Trigger

I had my first major trigger tonight.

I went to a bonfire for a friend's 40th birthday down at Golden Gardens. I left after an hour, and then I sat in my car and cried. The last time I was at a bonfire at Shilshole was with The Gang. I don't have a gang anymore.

Tonight, I spent most of the time standing by myself, staring at the fire, trying to look like I was perfectly comfortable not knowing anyone. One woman talked with me when she learned I was apartment hunting, then some guy who was new to the group (and new to Seattle) tried to chat me up. I'm not at all interested in that crap. I just wanted to go home, curl up in my jammies and watch some comfort tv. Which I'm doing now. Seinfeld.

It's been a long time since I've been alone and unknown in a group. And it made me very homesick. I've never felt homesick for some place other than my parents' place, but I think tonight I'm homesick for my old life. I'm homesick for familiararity and for normalcy. Homesick for a home.

I know the light is just up ahead. Three more weeks, and (hopefully) I'll begin to get settled into my new life, which will be none too soon as I fear I am nearing the very end of my rope. I thought the very end of my rope was three weeks ago, and I was finally starting to work my way upward, but I feel like I've been beaten down a notch or two.

It's a good thing Shaun isn't home tonight.
And that there's no wine in the house...